Weakness (2 of 5)

Sher asks:  What is your greatest weakness?  Why?  Another great question that makes me think.  I'm going to answer this in a couple of different ways.

My greatest weakness is lack of discipline.  I hate making myself do things I don't want to do, or stop doing things that I like, and I frequently don't.  I know it sounds immature.  It is.  But that is the root of most of my struggles.

When I was first married, any time I became frustrated with my life, I'd make a laundry list in my journal of every flaw, every major shortcoming, and I'd map out a plan to overcome each.  After a decade or so of this I began to look over past entries and found that nothing was ever fixed.  I struggled with the same issues again and again.  Bemoaning this fact to my husband, he pointed out that part of my problem stemmed from the fact that I am not a routine oriented person,  (editorial note: following a routine takes discipline) but I am, rather, a project-driven type.  This clicked.  It explained in one nice little sentence a seeming smorgasbord of problems.  It brought some degree of relief.  I felt a little less out of control--I really just had the one major problem to work on.

Three years ago I joined Weight Watchers and lost 30 pounds.  I'd kept to the plan and was successful.  I thought that if I could find control over this little piece of my life, perhaps I would be able to find it elsewhere.  Well, no sooner had I reached my goal than I was hit with a nerve disorder that consumed me for months.  Everything else, including good eating habits, was put on hold.  Once my meds were regulated and pain was minimal I returned to life as normal, except for the better nutrition thing.  Over the last 2 years I have regained 20 of those pounds.  For the past year I have been making feeble attempts to lose them, and have lost and found 7 to 9 pounds twice.  Clearly, I really don't have this discipline thing down after all.

Yet I find myself with a new problem.  I used to go to great lengths to hide these weaknesses.  I was mortified by discovery of any imperfections.   However, in the past year, and in the past few months particularly, I have experienced a shift.  I have gone from embarrassment over weakness to embracing it, strutting it about, even.  At first, I saw this as a breakthrough--being more honest about my struggles, feeling better about who I am.  And that sounds healthier, doesn't it?  Well, I am beginning to think that it is not.  In developing this new habit of self-degradation, in the name of coming to terms with my weaknesses, I have let go of responsibility to become something better.  I've given myself permission to fail.  I went from privately moping about how horrible I am to publicly laughing at my nature and viewing myself as a vicitim of it.  Neither outlook is adaptive.   

So my next move?  Well, I feel like I need to take some time to reconstruct my self-image.  I need to look at my potential, my talents and my STRENGTHS.  I need to do it without apology.  Discipline is nothing more than consistent good choices.  I need to decide that I am strong enough to choose to be better.  Again and again.  It doesn't mean I need to stop laughing at myself.  But it means I need to stop treating myself like a big slob to get laughs so often.  This will not be easily put into action, I know.  I also know that the outcome may be worthwhile.