Thursday, April 26, 2012

Baby Steps

Our family loves the movie What About Bob? One of the best things about the story is that Bob becomes "cured" by Dr. Marvin's new book, Baby Steps, without ever even cracking the cover.  The title alone was sufficient for Bob.  So much for all of the research, writing, editing, etc, that went into the actual text.  It's hilarious.  And a little bit understandable.

Baby steps.  Sometimes small things, small pieces of progress, are the best we can do.  And I feel like I'm getting a crash course in coming to terms with the best I can do.  It's about patience, acceptance, and ultimately grace.  The things I am learning could be the topic of a whole other post.  Maybe several.  Maybe I'll get to it, and maybe I won't. 

For now, I am trying to ease myself back into the flow of life, out from this little eddy I've been drifting in for the past several months.  It has been shocking how physical this grieving has been for me.  The emotional I expected.  But to not be able to make myself do even the things I wanted desperately to be doing, that was a surprise.  I'm trying to overcome this.  And today, I had a little break-through.  I sewed.

It may sound silly.  But I love to sew.  I love to create.  I had little time while care-giving my mother to sew and create as much as I'd wanted to.  It was literally the month before my mom came to live with us that Larry had cleared out an art space for me, which meant that I had separate rooms for art and for sewing.  It was such a kind, thoughtful gift, and I never really made much use of it.  Well, I'm back to one room now, and that is just fine.

One of the first things I wanted to get back to doing after my mom passed was creating art and sewing.  I have a long list of projects to finish, to begin.  At night, it always sounds like a great thing to do in the morning.  Come morning, however, I can't bring myself to get in there and get started.  Last night I took advantage of an energy spurt and folded some sheets and towels that have been sitting since the funeral, and this morning I woke up, made lunches, and sewed. 

I now am the proud owner of a sunny new dish mat.  A dish mat I had intended to make last summer.  I can't begin to express how good it feels.  Tomorrow morning I may be back in bed, but at least today I created.  It's a baby step for which I am very grateful.